CruftBucket

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what’s your problem?"

Harry answered, "I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go

to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What’s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong……"
Found at cohguru.com »

A German farmer is suing two boys, claiming they left his ostrich impotent after throwing firecrackers at it.

Gustav’s owner says that for six months after the 2005 attack the bird lost his lust for life, had no interest in sex and was depressed and apathetic.

In usual circumstances, the owner says, he would have fathered chicks worth 5,000 euros (£3,400) in that period.
Read more at BBC News »

We’ve been dealing with the pocket-emptying effects of rising gas prices, new electric rates, and an increase in cab fare, but how would you feel about breaking the bank all for…a pizza? Now you can find out thanks to Manhattan restauranteur Nino Selimaj, who has apparently brought from the heavens a real "pie in the sky" with his new $1,000 pizza.

Yep, that’ll be $1,000 please.

The pizza will be added to the menu at "Nino’s Bellisima," one of Selimaj’s six restaurants in the city. Forget traditional cheese and pizza sauce, the record-priced pie will be topped with creme fraiche, chives, eight ounces of four different kinds of Petrossian caviar, four ounces of thinly sliced Maine lobster tail, salmon roe, and a little bit of spice with wasabi.
Read more at wcbs-tv »

It looks like the iPhone isn’t Apple’s first attempt at creating a phone. The company filed a patent back in 1982 and listed on December 10, 1985. From what I can see of the drawings, this phone would have been hard to carry around, and looks absolutely nothing like any phones I’ve seen on the market. Did I mention that it looks like an apple?
Read more at myiphone.com »

An Australian woman was sentenced Friday to nine months of community service work for smuggling protected fish from Asia in her dress.

Sharon Naismith, 45, was caught in June 2005 at the airport in the southern city of Melbourne after customs officers heard "flipping" noises coming from her clothes and conducted a search, Australian Customs said.
Read more at kirotv.com »

What price love? A wise husband, or at least one hoping to continue sleeping in the marital bed, would likely answer, "Oh! There is no way to calculate it, no number large enough!"

Target, on the other hand, can tally it quickly. That’s what Tim Cashill of Stacy, Minn., discovered when he bought his wife, Dawn, a Valentine’s Day card last month. Cashill, 38, didn’t notice the "funny-as-heck" receipt until he returned to work:

"Wife: $3.99." Make that $4.25 with tax.
Read more at StarTribune.com »

BRITNEY Spears has flipped her lid in rehab, trying to hang herself with a bedsheet after screaming "I am the anti-christ" to frightened staff.

She made the demonic cry after scrawling the devil’s number "666" across her head.
Read more at news.com.au »

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.
She said, "I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car"
Found at IRCQuotes »

A 100 year old British man told on Wednesday how he fought off a gang of teenage muggers using "kung fu".

After a night at the pub, Buster Martin began to head home. On his way home Buster Martin showed that, even at 100, he still knew how to handle himself when he was confronted by the teenagers after a night at the pub.
Read more at daily cognition »

In case you don’t speak German (just as this hacker), I’ve tried a little translation to English. I might have made some spelling errors, but the original spelling wasn’t perfect either. The guy really said "buy buy" in the German version.

For information:

• The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch.

• 127.0.0.1 is always the IP address of the computer you’re currently using; any request there will return to your computer.

• Notice that in Germany we get Daylight Savings Time (DST) earlier than in the US.

Read more at electric escape »

If you are too drunk to drive, you might want to think about ditching the assault rifle. And the cocaine. Ditto the marijuana. And you definitely don’t want to pretend you’re a police officer.

Gwinnett police have arrested a 24-year-old Lawrenceville man after he asked for change for $100 at a fast-food drive-through last week and the clerk noticed an assault rifle in his lap.
Read more at ajc.com »

29 year old Dave Nunley eats about 275 grams of grated cheddar cheese a day.

He has been eating this way since he was a toddler.
Read more at diet blog »

Dozens of men say they have been victims of the hugger. Police say others are too embarrassed to admit it.

"She doesn’t just go up to you and hug you," said Detective Sergeant Tom Donovan.

"She actually grabs men, tries to talk them into something more, and then goes their wallet."
Read more at WWWeird »

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", she said, "We don’t have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
Found at funtoosh.com »

Still in the idea stage, a Russian designer known by the name as Dima Komissarov created the Flashbag USB drive that will expand via a micro pump inside the drive. So, the more space you use, the more the USB drive will swell up. When the drive is turned off, the drive itself will maintain its swollen shape (that is if you have a lot of content in it) so without having to plug the drive in, you’ll know approximately how much of the drive you’ve used.
Read more at turbo gadgets »