CruftBucket

# Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

# What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

# What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

# How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

# Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

# What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

# Why women like bidets?
Because men don’t know what they are.

# How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

# Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

# Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

# Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

# How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

# How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

# How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

# Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

# What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

# What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

# How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

# What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

# Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

… Well maybe not the whole truth.

Since posting the truth about women, it’s only fair to post the supposed ‘truth’ about men.

Thanks for the list Meg.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)

One American student sent major corporations, governments and even the Vatican on the defensive after coming up with Wikipedia Scanner, a software program that reveals who changed Wikipedia entries.

Wikipedia.com is an online encyclopedia edited by general users, who write articles on every imaginable subject. Since it is written by users, anyone can edit, delete and arrange the articles on Wikipedia.

What Virgil Griffith did was come up with a program that reveals who edits these articles, via a system where it scans the I.P address and cross-references it with the I.P. directory.

As soon as the software was launched on the internet, chaos erupted.
Read more at MaltaStar »

Here’s a few of my favourites:

• Apple edit Microsoft entries, adding more negative comments about its rival
• Bill Gates revenge? Microsoft edits Apple entries, adding more negative comments about its rival
• In the 9/11 Wikipedia article, the NRA added that “Iraq was involved in 9/11”
• MySpace removes paragraph when their website was hacked
• Boeing edits from “Boeing is a leading American aircraft and aerospace manufacturer” to “Boeing is the leading American aircraft and aerospace manufacturer”

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its offbeat performances.

His act involved appearing on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue; unfortunately, he let it dry for only 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalisation.
Read more at WWWeird »

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

A PET camel that killed a 60-year-old woman in a bizarre attack in Queensland’s outback had been given to her as a birthday present from her family.

The 10-month-old animal knocked the woman to the ground, stomped on her head and then lay on top of her on Saturday at her sheep and cattle property near Mitchell, about 600km west of Brisbane.

The woman’s husband discovered her body about 6.30pm after he returned from feeding stock. Police yesterday said the camel had a history of bizarre behaviour.

The victim’s husband was "devastated", said Roma Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory. "The camel was a 60th birthday present that he and his daughter got her in March.

"She had a love of exotic pets."
Read more at WWWeird »

A Middle Eastern businessman spent more than pound stg. 105,000 ($245,300) in a five-hour, champagne-and-vodka-fuelled spending spree in a London nightclub at the weekend.

Fraser Donaldson, a representative of Crystal, a club favoured by Prince Harry, said in 20 years working in the industry it was the biggest bill he’d seen from one customer.
Read more at WWWeird »

Hi there,

I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings.

My name is Lloyd, I live in Chicago , I’m 27 years old, fairly well educated, I hold down a good job and am pretty stable. I’m told I’m fairly good looking, but I’ll let you be the judge of that - I’m generally caring and very honest.

I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!

You should:

* be 20 to 35 years old;
* have a history of short, intense, drama-driven relationships;
* enjoy degrading and dehumanizing sex;
* have undergone negative psychiatric evaluations in the past; and
* be willing to threaten self-harm and/or annihilation as a weapon to control your partner and make them stay with you and care for you.

Although not completely necessary, I would prefer women:

* with nice smiles;
* that have larger than average breasts;
* who are married or already in unstable relationships;
* that drink to forget; and
* who have had a previous established diagnosis of Borderline or Dependent Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Affective Disorder - or who are currently taking Lithium Carbonate, SSRIs, or Tri-cyclic antidepressants

If you think you meet these requirements (and wow, I’m getting excited just writing them!), please don’t hesitate to get back to me as soon as possible. In the meantime, thank you for reading my advert, and do take care.

All the best,

Lloyd

ps This advert is in recognition of the big neon sign on my forehead that everyone else can see except me.
Found at Ofuzi »

Scottish scientists believe they have discovered a bizarre new species: a wildcat with the head of a rabbit.

The mystery black mammal has a small head, a large snout, long canine teeth and long ears which bear a resemblance to a rabbit or hare.

Researchers have been given two carcasses and are calling on gamekeepers to capture a live rabbit-headed cat to prove its identity.
Read more at WWWeird »

A while ago we brought you a story about a plus-size woman known as the ‘Hugging Bandit‘. The Hugging Bandit waited outside bars until men left late at night with a few drinks in them. Once the suitable victim left the bar she gave them a big hug. Little did they know she was pick pocketing them.

Finally after many cash collecting hugs she’s been caught and jailed.

THE "Hugging Bandit" - the plus-size pickpocket who put the squeeze on tipsy men and their wallets in upstate New York - is behind bars, police say.

Myra Castleberry, 48, was being held without bail and police hoped they had seen the last of a decade-long spree of thefts.

“Hopefully, she’ll be hugging her pillow in her prison cell for a long time,” Detective Sergeant Tom Donovan said.
Read more at WWWeird »

Shimmering beneath the scorching sun of the Peruvian desert is an extraordinary sight - a tiny settlement, complete with lagoon, lush palm groves, carob trees, cafes, neatly clipped lawns, 100-strong population and even the odd swimming pool.

For thousands of years, Huacachina, otherwise known as the ‘oasis of Americas’ - there is only one - has been a beacon of green, hidden deep amid hundreds of miles of barren desert. Over the centuries, its glimmering waters have saved the lives of hundreds of sun-addled travellers, staggering in from the heat with their mules.
Read more at Daily Mail »

• "My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt."
  - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player
• "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"
  - Arnold Schwarzenegger
• "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
  - Greg Norman, Golfer
• "The internet is a great way to get on the net."
  - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
• "Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
  - George W Bush (29th January 2000)
• "I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them."
  - George Bush
• "They misunderestimated me."
  - George W Bush (Nov. 6, 2000)
• "If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight."
  - George Gobel

Read more at 2Spare »

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don’t have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn’t I?"
Found at websitement »