CruftBucket

(In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his Buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this…)

"Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps imporving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. In this way, regular consumtion of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

This indeed is the best explanation of why you get smarter after drinking beer.

Original found at thecore.com

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there’s just no pleasing some women…
Read more at You Can’t Coach That »

A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Found here »

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he’s a statue
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it’s a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells…
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma’am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma’am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
Found at emtlife.com »

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
Read more at testriffic.com »

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Read more at isityourneed.com »

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t
taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the
rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on
the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a
kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, ‘Son… what happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT…Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m
married!!’

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Read more at adultjokeratingmachine.com »

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused, so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy".

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son To take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, He asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son To "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The noteread:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
Read more at picklequeen.com »

Punk ass wife!

# Why don’t men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

# What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

# What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

# How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

# Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

# What’s the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

# Why women like bidets?
Because men don’t know what they are.

# How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

# Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

# Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

# Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

# How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

# How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

# How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay.

# Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.

# What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

# What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

# How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

# What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

# Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

… Well maybe not the whole truth.

Since posting the truth about women, it’s only fair to post the supposed ‘truth’ about men.

Thanks for the list Meg.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don’t have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn’t I?"
Found at websitement »

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when i think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at lease five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn’t even have a penis."
Original found at Avolites Online »